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Bella (Kristen Stewart) is torn – metaphorically speaking – between a vampire (Robert Pattinson) and an American Indian werewolf (Taylor Lautner) in “The Twilight Saga: New Moon.” |
You gotta feel sorry for Bella Swan.
First, her vampire boyfriend disses her. (“You don’t belong in my world, Bella!” he says.)
Then, her werewolf boyfriend pushes her away. (“I’m not good!” he cries, “I used to be a good kid. Not anymore!”)
Many times Bella tries to kiss them, individually, of course. But every time, they’re either interrupted, or the guy wimps out. There haven’t been this many lips quivering in anticipation since the opening of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”
“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” takes up where 2008’s “Twilight” left off after Bella (Kristen Stewart) fell for a mysterious teen named Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) with sideburns and luminous skin.
Edward the vampire falls so hard for the human Bella that he announces in “New Moon” he must leave her to save her, especially after a fellow vampire tries to kill and eat her during her 18th birthday party at the Cullen house.
Ed departs, and Bella falls into a deep depression for the remainder of the year, devolving into a basket case of repetitious ticks and sighs with stringy hair and perfectly shaped stiletto eyebrows.
She befriends a 16-year-old local Native American boy named Jake Black (Taylor Lautner), whose physique resembles a young Lou Ferrigno, only not green. “You’re buff!” Bella blurts with feminine appreciation.
She falls for the younger Jake. Then he gets a tattoo and hangs out in the rain with hunky young Native American guys who hate shirts and long pants. They turn out to be unconvincing, poorly computer-animated werewolves, and they really hate bloodsuckers. (Read more…)